Mothers

by Anh Lottman

STORY SUMMARY:
 
Mothers is a story of the bond between a mother and child, exploring the love that not even death or a biological relationship can deny.


“Will you be my mama,” Cassie asked. She moved restlessly against the hospital sheets. Her body felt swollen from the drugs they were feeding her through the tube in her arm.

“You already have a mother.”

“She’s not.”

Smoothing Cassie’s hair off her face, I sighed quietly as if taking a breath of air. “Honey, you can’t deny her because you said so.”

Cassie brows creased in annoyance. “I’m dying. I can do whatever I want.”

Sitting back, I sighed for lack of a response. How to reason with a 12-year-old who was going to die soon? My eyes roamed the room, looking for an answer in the inanimate objects that had its own purpose for being where it was.

A chair to sit on, worn at the edges from too many people waiting for loved ones to get better. Tiled floors, scuffed from countless shoes treading their surface, passing by on their way to another day of sickness and death. Hospital equipment connected to tubes running into animate flesh covered partly by sheets that covered a bed.

How many people would lie in this bed before they retired it? How many got better, and how many left to go to a better life.

“Will you be my mother?”

“What are you going to do with the one you already have?”

Cassie frowned. “Why do you think she’d care?”

“I would care.”
“That’s why I want you to be my mom. It’s not like you have to do it for long.”

“Cassie!”

Her eyes plead for the love she craved and didn’t know how to ask for. “Please.”

 “I can be your friend. I can’t take her place.”

“You don’t have to be her. Just be my mommy. It’s just pretend. I don’t know why you won’t play.”

 “Because I’m her friend too. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want to hurt her either.”

“Well, stop being nice to her. She doesn’t deserve it.”

I smoothed the sheets over her legs, trying to soothe both of us. Eunice was a bitch, but when she was sober, she loved Cassie like nothing else. It just didn’t make up for her bad days when Cassie had to mother her mother.

“You deserve better.”

“Please,” Cassie cried. “I don’t want to die by myself.”

My heart curled up from the shot of pain I felt at her words. “Ouch,” I whispered so that Cassie didn’t hear. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Not knowing what else to do, I hugged her.

Sitting on the side of her hospital bed, I pulled her gently into my arms and rocked her like a baby. Sometimes the best communicator is just simple human touch. Oh my God, I thought, I don’t know what to say to make it better.
Panic set in, but the pain of Cassie’s tears soon overwhelmed anything I felt. Her body shook as if she would break open and her sorrow could spill out. How much pain could a body hold before it cracked itself open, spilling pain and guts everywhere.

“Let me go. Just go away.” Cassie pushed out of my arms, and curled into herself on the bed, turning her back to me. “I can die by myself. I don’t need anyone.”

My shoulders slumped. Defeat is not a good feeling. “I’m sorry.”

In response, Cassie pulled the sheet over her head. If Eunice were here, I’d have punched her hard for not being here. She should’ve been dealing with her daughter. Where the fuck was she?

Anger was a better feeling than defeat and fear. I let it ride through my system, setting fire to everything until, with renewed vigor, I stalked out of the room to the nearest pay phone. Eunice was mine.

I let the phone ring and ring and ring and ring. Then I hung up, redialed and let it ring some more. “What the fuck?”

“Good morning, Eunice. Did you forget about something because it’s getting dark out. Yep, the whole day is gone and guess who is not with her dying daughter?”

“Oh fuck.”

 “Yes, that’s how all this got started. You got fucked, and now you’re fucking up. And again, I’m here. Good, old dependable me.”

“No one asked you.”

“Shut up! This is not about you right now.”

“I don’t have to.”

“You’ll listen, by God, or I swear I’ll gut you and then.”

Eunice laughed. “You? That’s good,” she said, then hung up.

“Damn it,” I yelled, staring angrily at the receiver before slamming the phone down. Putting both hands over my mouth, I muffled my scream of impotent rage, which quickly turned into racking sobs that felled me to the floor. Huddled against the wall, I screamed and cried to my heart’s content, knowing that Cassie couldn’t possibly hear.

Exhausted and empty, I collapsed to the ground. Through glazed eyes, I barely noticed feet passing me by. Someone put a box of tissues and a bottle of water next to me. I didn’t have to strength to look up, or say thank you.

My body shuddered as I tried to get myself together. I took several deep breaths, swallowing my saliva as several more shudders racked my body. Breath in. Breathe out. Again. Breath in. Breathe out. And so it went until strength returned to my legs so I could stand.

Picking up the tissues and water, I shuddered one last time, letting go of everything except for Cassie. Re-entering that hospital room was not good. She didn’t seem to be crying anymore, but it was hard to tell with the covers over her. It was like a death shroud.

Putting the tissues and water on the stand next to Cassie’s bed, I stroked her head over the shroud. The cotton felt scratchy. Fuzzies from the laundry prickled the surface.

“Hey, baby, mommy’s here.” I stroked over her shoulder, down her back, up her back to her covered head, resting my hand gently over her ear. “I won’t leave you alone again.”

 After a long silence in which I matched my breathing to hers, Cassie said as quiet as a mouse, “Promise?”

“Cross my heart. Just you and me from now on.”

Cassie turned towards me. The cover slipped off her head to reveal the sweetest smile of love. Crawling under the covers, we huddled there like two kids at a slumber party.  “Let’s play 20 questions,” Cassie said. “You go first.”

I blinked, then breathed out slowly. “How do you feel?”

“Ok, I guess.” Cassie shrugged. “Sometimes it hurts, but I’m used to it now. Then I just feel tired and want it to be over, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“Your turn again,” said Cassie, grabbing my hand under the covers. She absentmindedly played with my fingers.

“Me? I just asked you a question. It’s your turn.”

“I asked you a question. You know?” She rolled her eyes as only a 12-year-old could.

“Oh,” I said. “O.k. so, so what, why don’t you like your mom?”

“Duh, I like you.”

“Your biological mom?”

Cassie squeezed my thumb hard. I didn’t blink, just waited. She started to rollerball my thumb, then the rest of my digits. “I don’t know. She’s just not like a mom like you are, you know? I’m not like a burden to you. You do things. You’re here.”

“She’s been there for you too.”

“Yeah, I guess. So what do you like best about me?”

I grabbed her rollerballing hand, and held on to stop her fidgeting. “Oh, that’s a hard one. Let me think real hard.” I smiled at her, making bug eyes until she giggled. “Well, I think I like your smile. And I love it when you laugh.”

“What else?”

“Ah ah, my turn. Why me? Why do you want a new mom?”

“Everyone gets a dying wish. Why can’t I get you?”

A deep sigh coursed through my body, bringing along feelings I didn’t want to examine too closely. Blinking away my tears, I gave Cassie’s hand a squeeze. “No reason at all. I’ve always wanted you too, baby.”

“Really?”

“You’re everything a mother could want in a daughter. Sweet. Kind. You’re a good girl.”

A tear brimmed over and rolled down her cheek. I grabbed a tissue and wiped her eyes. She curled into my arms. So small, I felt like I would break her if I hugged her too hard, but I wanted to squeeze her until she burst with the love she didn’t have enough of.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“Me too.”

“Are you scared?”

“Sometimes.” Cassie burrowed deeper into my arms. “I wonder what it’s going to feel like. Do you believe in a heaven?”

“Yes. Don’t you?”

“I’m not sure. What do you think it’s like?”

“That’s a hard question. I’ve never thought about what it’s like. Give me a minute.”

Cassie closed her eyes. Her breathing sounded shallow, as if her lungs couldn’t hold any more air. “I’m tired. Can you touch me? It feels nice.”

Light as a feather, I ran my fingertips over her arm back and forth. She sighed. I felt her body relax, a slight smile on her face. We stayed like that for a time as I pondered how to create a heaven for my baby.

“It’s like a dream. The best dream you ever had. Take all the hurt, pain and sadness away like it never existed, and that’s your heaven. It’s not a place as much as a feeling, I think. Yeah, heaven is where you never feel alone, where you have the freedom of the stars. You could walk the universe and see worlds being born, but it’s like being at home safe and warm. No one knows anything except love. It’s a good place. You’ll love it.”

“Like right now.”

“Just you and me, baby, for always and forever.”

“It’s your turn to ask me now. We’re at 11.”

“Maybe you should rest. We can finish tomorrow.”

“I’m not tired yet,” Cassie said as she tried to stifle a yawn. “Please.”

“All right.” I shifted down the bed so that Cassie would be more comfortable. She was practically using me as her mattress. “What’s the best thing you remember?”

“Mom just puked on my birthday cake, remember?”

“That can’t be the best thing.” I leaned down to look into her upturned face. She rolled her eyes with a touch of a wrinkle to her pert nose.

“Duh,” Cassie said. “After that, you came by and just took me away. Just like that, we were gone from that house. Well, after you locked Mom in the bedroom where she couldn’t hurt herself. Then we had a normal day, relaxed you know?”

“I remember.”
             “I wanted that day to last forever, but nothing good is forever.” Cassie burrowed into me, hugging me tighter. But her arms were losing strength and I could barely feel the squeeze.

I stroked her head. “Love lasts forever, you know.” I jiggled her when I didn’t get a response. “You and me forever, remember?”

“I guess.” Cassie sighed. “I’m tired. Maybe we should finish tomorrow.”

“Sure.” I simply held her to me as time ticked by. The hands of the clock on the wall slowly ticked forwards as time slipped by us. I wished I could hold her forever, but Cassie was right that nothing lasts forever.

Magic genies and miracles would’ve come in handy at that moment. Maybe it’d happen just this time. God, let it be forever, for her.

“Does dying hurt?”

My heart quivered at the uncertainty I heard in her voice. “I don’t think,” but I couldn’t finish that sentence. “I don’t know.”

“Ok.”

Tears welled in my eyes. I held her because I didn’t know what else to say. So we just held each other.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.”

“Sing me to sleep?”

So I sang to her a lullaby called “Baby Mine.”

----- “Baby mine, don’t you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby you’re mine.”

“Little one, when you play. Don’t you mind what they say. Let those eyes sparkle and shine. Never a tear, baby you’re mine. If they knew sweet, little you. They can’t help loving you too. All those same people who scold you. What they’d give, just for the right to hold you.”

“From your head, down to your toes. You’re not much, goodness knows. But you’re so precious to me, sweet as can be. Baby, you’re mine.”-----
             
And then Cassie fell asleep, and I knew she wouldn’t wake up again.

I’m glad it didn’t hurt for her, but God, it hurt for me.

Hours or maybe minutes later, Eunice walked into that silent hospital room. She carried a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates and an excess of balloons. “Let’s liven up this joint. My baby ain’t going out without a proper send-off. Hey, Cassie honey-child, wake up. Mommy’s here.”

I just looked at her. The tears had already dried up and gone. There was nothing left of me at that moment. I gently slipped out of the bed, and settled Cassie in it as comfortable as could be.

“Wake her up. It’s party time.” Eunice littered the room with balloons and flowers. “This is going to be the best day of her life, and she’s sleeping it away.”

“Eunice, stop,” I managed to get out.

“Stop what? Wake up, Cassie honey. Don’t be such a downer or else you’re not invited to this party. What do you think, Cassie? Just you and me? It’ll be a blast. We don’t need anyone else except you and me. We’re going to have so much fun that the angels will want to party with us.”

“Eunice,” I said louder. “Eunice.”

“Hey, and if they have the time of their lives, maybe they’ll let you stay here with me, forever, you know?”

I wasn’t going to handle this anymore. I guess the only reason I still talked to Eunice was because of Cassie, helped her, but that reason was gone now. Without another word, I walked out of that room and out of that hospital and out of Eunice’s life forever.

My legs started shaking as I pressed on the accelerator, but I forced my body to cooperate in getting me away. I imagined Eunice would’ve figured out by now and was raising holy hell.

As I got farther away, a calm settled over me. Maybe it was shock. I sighed in relief at the cessation of pain. Then I remembered the love, and I knew it was going to be all right.